Holding On

As a junior currently registering for senior year, thinking about the SAT, and realizing that college is only a year away, I have been overwhelmed by an intense longing for childhood. Recently, I have fallen into a fierce Disney obsession, watching the movies and listening to music. Revisiting the content that shaped me. At first, I thought this was a random revisiting of some of my favorite movies, but as that feeling of nostalgia began increasingly addicting, I knew that it had grown beyond a minor phase.

For my entire life, the idea of adulthood has terrified me. Making my own decisions, living alone, being independent, and being a “grownup” is something I have tried to delay my whole existence. But time has run out — the imminent ascension into the adult world has come for me — and as it does, I have tried everything possible to hold onto the childhood that I am seemingly losing a grip on.

I find that this fear is not often talked about; by your last years of high school, you are expected to be excited about college, adulthood, and freedom. I cannot do that. I have now realized that my childhood has ended, and I would try everything possible to feel it again than to accept that it is over. In today’s society, it feels that everyone expects you to go through this transition smoothly and willingly. A significant part of our lives is over, and to expect us to not be upset is now okay. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to not want to grow up. And most importantly, it is okay to mourn the loss of your childhood.